| What Ohlke puts on his head for shininess |
[Jan. 20th, 2006|07:42 pm] |
WD40
Lamination
Ballo-Shino from the bowling alley
Coconut oil
Cooking oil
Grease
Glucose
Elbow grease
Crude oil
Orange juice
Windex
Ketchup
Mustard
Lard
BBQ sauce
Windshield fluid
Air freshner
Camel milk
Coke
Battery acid
Vim
Tomato paste
Baby oil
Baby powder
Deodorant
Lemons squeezed
Sewer water
Mayonnaise
Garbage juice
Spit from his spit bucket
Chocolate milk
Oil paint
Turtlewax |
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| The Canadian Tire Guy: Episode 14 "Much On Demand" |
[Jan. 16th, 2006|09:30 pm] |
*Jack Layton is on Much On Demand (MOD) tonight to appeal young voters to vote for NDP!!! Canadian Tire Guy has retired from this election, and carries on his proffesion as a Canadian Tire Appealer, but still has one day of vacation left so he goes to the MOD studios*
MOD Host: Fo Shizzle me Nizzle fo chizzle ma tizzle hey kizzle o Bob pizzle tizzle nizzle fizzle me lovizzle politizzle NDPizzle Jackizzle Laytonizzle!
*Everyone applauds*
Jack Layton (to himself): He must be introducing me. Just smile and wave... smile and wave..
MOD Host: So Jackizzle, whatizzle do you like to tellizzle us, the youngizzle generationizzle.
Jack Layton: I have made this so called "Hip Hop" Song that you youngins like to hear nowadays in your fancy thingamajigs you stick into your ears.
MOD Host: You meanizzle MP3izzle Player?
Jack Layton: Yes that thing you knicker-knackers steal on those TVs connected to that box called a "CPU"
MOD Host: We preferizzle the word "bootleg" and thats calledizzle a computer old man. So on with your song.
Jack Layton's NDP Rap
Yo daddyo fo shizzle me nizzle votizzle NDPizzle or me grow hairizzle with ma homie Ohlkizzle,
I lovizzle false hopizzle to be a majoritizzle in the parliamentizzle in ma dreamizzle,
But its obviousizzle that Toriezzle will winizzle this electionizzle,
Damn by baldness, trying to appealizzle to the seniorizzle for more votizzles,
Im tryingizzle not to swearizzle in my songizzle but cant helpizzle,
YOU WANNA BLEEPIN KNOWIZZLE MY BLEEPIN OPINIONIZZLE ON DIS ELECTIONIZZLE!??!?!
LAYTON'S BALDIZZLE, MARTIN'S OLDIZZLE, HARPER'S GAYIZZLE, AND DUCEPPE IS INSANIZZLE
So on 23rdizzle vote for crappy politicianizzles
PEACE!
*Studio quiet for a few minutes*
Jack Layton: So..... how was my song??
*EVERYONE SCREAMS AND APPLAUDS*
Jack Layton: Hot Dog!!! You youngins like me!
MOD Host: Nowizzle GETIZZLE OUTIZZLE your Bald Shinizzle blindizzle half of the studioizzle!!!
Jack Layton: I just wanted to belong......
Canadian Tire Guy: You can belong with me, we'll be friends forever and talk about MasterCraft all day
Jack Layton: Really!!?!? You'll be my best friend?
Canadian Tire Guy: Forever...
*They hold hands and leave the studio*
MOD Host: Allizzle Hailizzle MasterCraftizzle!!
Canadian Tire Guy: ITS ALL HAIL MASTERCRAFT U *BLEEPIN* HOST! |
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| Canadian Tire Guy: Episode 13 "Ohlke is divided" |
[Jan. 13th, 2006|08:22 pm] |
*Canadian Tire Guy and Jack Layton are both in Brampton on this lucky Friday the 13th to buy.... I mean get people to vote for them, but one voter is confused about this, so both candidates go to this mysterious voter's house to persuade them*
*So on the front porch Canadian Tire Guy and Layton are fighting*
CT Guy: I have to make him vote for me, he's one of my only friends.
Layton: But he shares so much in commmon with me!
*They ring the doorbell*
*SURPRISE!!! OHLKE OPENS THE DOOR!!*
Ohlke: Go away I don't wanna buy any of your crap!
Layton: But its me Ohlke, youre bald buddy! We shared the same turtle waxer in college!
CT Guy: Don't listen to him Ohlke! That shininess is lying to you! Vote for me, loners have to stick together!
Ohlke: Whats happening!!?!? Voting for what?
Layton: There's a federal election on the 23rd and if you send more NDPs to the parliament we promise more money for seniors and tell the young people to "Screw off".
Ohlke: I like the sound of that more money for seniors!! I'm voting for NDP!!
Layton: Okay, so I'll be going now, thanks for your bald support for the NDP! Even though we never win, there's false hope to count for!
*Layton leaves and blinds CT Guy for a few seconds with his shininess*
CT Guy: Damn you Layton, thats actually a good policy. I need more money and I'm a senior! I'LL VOTE FOR YOU!! Screw this election. O yah Ohlke, the wife wants to know for dinner next Wednesday.
Ohlke: FREE FOOD!!! I'm there, IN UR FACE MEALS ON WHEELS!!!
CT Guy: ALL HAIL MASTERCRAFT!! |
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| The Canadian Tire Guy: Episode 12 "A Winter Election Campaign" |
[Dec. 31st, 2005|12:29 am] |
*It is January 3, the day the party leaders are allowed to continue their campaign, and now here's a good view of what Canadian Tire Guy is doing for his campaign. This is at Toronto, Ontario where this press conference is happening*
CT Guy: I thank you all Canadian Tirians for attending this press conference. I have a very important message to see that will change the elections greatly.
*People are excited about the message*
CT Guy: The message is.... ALL HAIL MASTERCRAFT!!! Now bow before me, the reincarnation of the great MasterCraft god!
*People start throwing MasterCraft tools at CT Guy*
CT Guy: Hey you people do go to Canadian Tire! Good for you! Now that last message was just a lie to see how you would react. I have no important message to say, I just wanted to be around people because I'm a loner. Do you have any questions yo ask for the future Prime Minister of Canadian Tire?
Reporter: Canadian Tire Guy, what will you do once you get power?
CT Guy: I plan it to corrupt me.
Reporter #2: Anymore promises??
CT Guy: I promise that Tom Cruise, Paris Hilton, and Peter Griffin will not enter Canada as we cannot exceed our National Retard Population.
*Everyone claps and cheers*
CT Guy: Wow they actually like that promise. Better use that against the Liberals.
Reporter #3: Will you change 24 Sussex Drive?
CT Guy: My future home will be called "69 Canadian Tire Avenue". No more questions and ALL HAIL MASTERCRAFT!! |
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| Leafs Updater: 20-14-3 |
[Dec. 28th, 2005|01:54 pm] |
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The Leafs are 3rd in the division now with a 3 game winning streak! |
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| The Canadian Tire Guy: Episode 11 "Election Promises" |
[Dec. 28th, 2005|01:27 pm] |
The following is an underpaid advertisement from the MasterCraft Party
These are the promises made by Canadian Tire Guy if he gets elected.
- Hobos get free MasterCraft tools
- Make Canadian Tire Money legal tender
- Pay taxes using ONLY MasterCraft tools
- Close down every other department store except for Canadian Tire
- Force people to shop at Canadian Tire at least 2 times a week
- Improve the education system to include courses like "Grade 9 Canadian Tire Introduction", "Grade 10 Canadian Tire History" etc.
- Take over Home Depot and Home Hardware
- Raise issues of lack of hardware tools in the country
- Change Canada's name to Canadian Tire
- Change the flag so the maple leaf is replaced by the Canadian Tire logo
- Donating MasterCraft tools to underdeveloped countries
- Canadian Tire Dog (a.k.a. Gilbert) is to be the mascot of the country
- The Charter of Rights will be replaced by the Canadain Tire Rules & Policies
- Canadian Tire will open in the United States
- The House of Commons will now be called The House of MasterCraft
- The Senate will be called The Supervisors
- Taxes will never decrease..............................may increase a tinsy bit
- The new capital city will be Upyermukluk, Yukon.
- The provinces will have their names changed according to specific Canadian Tire departments
There you have it. Now on January 23rd go and vote for the Mastercraft Party
This message is brought to you buy an underpaid representative of the MasterCraft Party
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| The Canadian Tire Guy: Episode 10 "Elections" |
[Dec. 26th, 2005|10:58 pm] |
*Canadian Tire Guy is running for Prime Minister in the next elections. This is the debate between Paul Martin of Liberals, Stephen Harper of Conservatives, Jack Layton of NDP, Gilles Duceppe of Bloc Quebecois, and of course Canadian Tire Guy as a sole representative of the 1 minute year old MasterCraft Party.*
Don Cherry: Hello Canada and welcome to the Election Debate of 2006. I'm your host Don Cherry! Let me introduce you to our players... I mean candidates. Paul Martin, Stephen Harper, Jack Layton, Gilles Duceppe, and Canadian Tire Guy. In this debate, there are no penalties.... I mean rules. Here's our first question from a hobo in downtown Toronto. The question is "What are you going to do to improve hobo lifestyle in Canada." Mr. Duceppe, you answer first.
Duceppe: Quebec Quebec Quebec! We will solve that only if we're seperated!
Don Cherry: Duceppe, even if there are no penalties I feel like giving you 2 minutes for whining. On to you Mr. Harper.
Harper: You see, I will personally go visit hobos and ask what improvements they will like.
Layton: We want a Canada without hobos. We will dump them off to the United States and they will enjoy life with their fellow hillbillies.
Martin: For a strong economy, we need all the population to support Canada. It doesn't matter what occupation you do, but make sure you file your taxes.
CT Guy: Hobos are the source of our MasterCraft tools. They collect trash, and we recycle them. What we will do if I'm elected is that I'll give hobos free MasterCraft tools.
Don Cherry: Next question from Billy Bob in Vancouver. The question is "What do you do in your free time?"
Harper: Listen to gino beats on my iPod.
Martin: Count the money I made in the last scandal....... Wait is this live?
Layton: Visit Ohlke and talk about growing afros someday.
Duceppe: Praise Quebec and France.
CT Guy: Play in my garage with MasterCraft tools.
Don Cherry: SWEET VALLEY HIGH!! I have to go to Coach's Corner and interrupt Ron Maclean before he even talks!
*Don Cherry leaves and the 5 candidates are just standing*
Harper: So........ you want to go dress as cowboys?
Everyone else: LETS DO IT!
CT Guy: All Hail MasterCraft! |
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| The Canadian Tire Guy: Episode 9 "Christmas Shopping" |
[Dec. 18th, 2005|07:37 pm] |
***Sorry for the delay... too much work at school***
On with the story!
*Canadian Tire Guy and his Canadian Tire Dog are shopping at Canadian Tire to get Canadian Tire branded gifts for the Canadian Tire Family*
CT Guy: Aaah... this is heaven Canadian Tire Dog!!
CT Dog: I smell gifts!
CT Guy: Good dog!! Here's a Canadian Tire Cookie!
*CT Dog eats cookie*
CT Guy: Wow you're a really nice dog!
CT Dog: I smell gifts!
CT Guy: We have established that 6 seconds ago.
CT Dog: I smell gifts!
CT Guy: Ok Canadian Tire Guy, lets just go get the gifts so you can be quiet.
CT Dog: Yaaaaaaaay!!!!! I mean WOOF WOOF
CT Guy: Lets buy this MasterCraft backyard hockey set with a free MasterCraft Zamboni!!!
CT Dog: Billy will love that!
CT Guy: Isn't my son's name Ryan?
*CT Dog turns into the FULK!! A furry hulk*
FULK: YOUR SON'S NAME IS BRIAN AND IF U DISAGREE U DIE!!!
CT Guy: YOU JUST SAID BILLY!!
*FULK eats CT Guy and turns back to CT Dog*
CT Dog: I smell gifts!!
CT Guy *from dog's stomach*: ALL HAIL MASTERCRAFT! |
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